last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize