Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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