this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
