Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
