It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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