i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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