party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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