saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
