im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I AM VODKA MAN
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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