Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
