i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
