Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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