I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
