Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
