Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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