You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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