It's like a parade of train wrecks.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
