Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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