this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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