are you still at the devil's house?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
