Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
