the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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