kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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