life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
