my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize