just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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