At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
