You're my little dorito
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
