mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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