He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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