I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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