dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Dick very happy bro
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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