Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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