$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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