If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
