I CAN MOONWALK!
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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