I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
They have beer where we have blood.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
