I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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