Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Randomize
