my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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