Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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