at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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