I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
