I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
