the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
