i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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