She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
