She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize