The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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