i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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