she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
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