so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
