"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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