the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
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