I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
