I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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