we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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