3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
